Friday, December 4, 2009

So, I just realized that alot of my entries lately have been kind of down, but that's my mood, so my apologies to anyone who reads this.

I'm getting really tired of checking my facebook everyday and someone else has a new picture of their latest ultrasound or baby bump or a pregnancy announcement. The more there are, the harder it is for me to happy for anyone. It might seem a little immature or selfish, but I can't help it. It's hard to deal with a loss in the middle of a baby boom. I don't have any issues with my friends who have kids, and it's none of my close friends that are expecting right now. I just sort of had a mini breakdown today, which is ok, because I have to deal with this loss, and it's ok to be sad. It's just so unfair! And we're no closer to having any answers, which is so frustrating. And we have no idea what we want to do now. We're moving in 1 year, and I don't really want to move with a newborn, and I don't want to be uber pregnant when we move. Whatever happens will be fine, but it's just hard, because we don't know what we want to do. This holiday season is kind of hard for me; I didn't get to be with my family on Thanksgiving, although I did get to see Mom and Dad and David the weekend after. I don't get to be with my family on Christmas, because we're going to Colorado. We're celebrating with them before we leave, but it just won't be the same. Plus, we should be celebrating Bennett's 2nd Christmas, and it would be so much fun this year. And, we should be so excited because of our second being on the way. But I don't have either. And I'm just starting have a lot of doubts about this; even though my doctor said most women who have multiple miscarriages go on to have healthy and successful pregnancies. I can't help but worry.

So that's my depressing entry for the day. Hopefully I'll get out of this slump soon.


P.S. I did get some really great encouragement yesterday and today from a co-worker/supervisor, who told me that I'm one of her favorites, that I'm going to make a great mommy, that I'm a beautiful person, and that if I have any friends just like me, they should work for Lighthouse, because she thinks I'm one of the best house managers. I thrive on words of encouragement, so that really meant alot to me!