Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Contentment

It's been a really, really long time since I've been able to say I'm content. In fact, I'm not sure I can remember when that was. But no matter. I am now. And it's awesome. For so long I've been anticipating something, regretting something, waiting for something, wishing for something to arrive. But I was always disappointed. There have been alot of changes in our lives in recent months, and they've brought about a change in me that I didn't expect. When I finished school last winter, I fully expected to be miserable until our move. But I found a job I really enjoy, in spite of the challenges unique to working with adults with developmental disabilities. I've developed deeper relationships with the friends I have here. I spend as much time with my family as possible. And I'm happy. God has really brought us through some crappy times to a place of peace and contentment. And much to my surprise (although I really shouldn't be surprised), it doesn't look much like I'd wanted. Alot of the things that I prayed for that I thought would make me happy, I still don't have. But I'm ok. I've learned to trust in God's timing in everything, knowing that He knows better.
One of the major changes that we've made is one that I've only shared with a few people, and considering I don't know how many people actually read this, I'm not expecting to make waves with this announcement! After my miscarriage last March, Justin and I made the decision to start trying to get pregnant once we had the ok from the doctor. We got the ok for June, so we started the process full of hope. As month after month went by with no pink plus sign, hope began to wane, disappointment, doubt, and discouragment took over. I grew almost obsessive, continuing to set new goals: I want to be pregnant by Bennett's (the baby we lost) due date of November 5. I want to be pregnant by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by June... After 10 months of trying, of living my life in 2-week cycles, of waking up at the same time every morning to take my temperature, of meticulously charting every relevent moment and event of my days... I gave up. It was no longer fun, it was no longer hopeful. I was miserable, and I didn't want my child to be created that way. So I told Justin I needed an indefinite break, and bless him, he agreed. Suddenly, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I didn't know I'd been carrying. It was heavy with doubt, disappointment, pain, anger, sadness... discontentment. This part of our lives that we had so adamantly declared we were giving into God's hands, I had obsessively taken over and stopped trusting Him with this. But no more.
Contentment is a marvelous state of being. I hope it lasts.
Michelle

1 comment:

Katie, Dylan, Ada and Moses said...

Oh friend! I miss you and now that we're finally back and settling in, I hope to make a trip to Bemidji soon. :D

I totally get where you're coming from concerning contentment...there's so many things that I thought I wanted and now that I am where I am, I couldn't be happier. Contentment is such a funny thing. It's such an easy thing to attain if we just step back for a minute and yet being as fickle as we are...we rarely get to realize it's fulfillment in our lives. We're praying for you two and hope to hear of a little bean soon. :D

Love you!!