And so it begins...

I'm finally joining the club... the baby club that is! That's right, people, I'm pregnant! :D

I found out on Tuesday. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow, due November 19.

The best news is that I'm feeling queasy pretty much all the time! Why is this good news? Because I was not sick with either of the babies I lost, and alot of my friends and family who've had miscarriages were not sick. So I'm embracing the nausea. So far, I haven't thrown up, so I think I'm doing just fine. :)

I was in yesterday for a clinical pregnancy test and also to measure my HcG levels. I'll have them checked again tomorrow, and once more on Monday. As long as those levels are rising like they're supposed to, I won't need to go in to see Dr Marjzrak until about 10-12 weeks. I haven't heard back from the clinic yet on the test done yesterday.

I've officially resigned from the OHCC kitchen. We decided that 60 hour work weeks are way too much for me to handle. Plus, it's not very appetizing for the cook to be sick the whole time!

The biggest change that this creates is that we're now not moving in December. Now we're looking at next May, after graduation.

I'll do my best to keep this up to date as time goes on! Keep us in your prayers!

Michelle

Xrays and whatnot

Well, I had my Xray on Wednesday. It was a not fun experience. *Warning - this might be a little graphic, but not too bad.* When the procedure goes as planned, it's not so comfortable. It involves a speculum and a catheter, need I say more? Except mine didn't go as planned. Because I won the award for the most difficult of the month! When you have the worlds smallest cervix, it must be dilated, you see. Ouch! And when you have a fibroid on your cervix, you must get past it to get the catheter in. Double ouch! But, Dr Majkrzak said hae didn't see any blockage, which is what they were looking for, which is good news. He said he'd have a radiologist look at it, and if anything turned out abnormal, he'd call me. He also wants me to schedule an office visit in early March to see how things are going. Then I went home and ate Qdoba and felt sorry for myself. So I guess it's good news that there's nothing wrong. But part of me really wanted to find something, so I'd have a definitive answer as to why I've lost my babies. But then I had my 1 year review at work, and my supervisor made me realize something pretty major. My big struggle with God is my trust issues. I'm such a control freak and that totally comes into play in my relationship with God. So maybe part of the reason why all of my tests have come back normal is because God wants to realize I need to just trust Him with this. I need to just rest in the fact that God has a reason for all of this happening and that could be it. So that's what I'm working on right now. Trusting God with this huge thing in my life. And that's so hard right now, because we're moving soon and I'm totally trying to dictate when it's going to happen for us. And I really need to just trust that God knows and that has to be enough. That scares me to death. So pray for me.

Michelle

Random thoughts and ventings

Good news - I finally got my Xray scheduled. It's next Wednesday. I'm really hoping this last test gives us some answers, since all the blood work came back normal. Then hopefully we can sort of figure out what we want to do. It's a hard decision, because we're moving across the country in a year, and the absolute earliest we could have a baby would be late October. We don't really love the idea of moving with a brand new baby, or being super pregnant, so late October is cutting it close. But then if that's when it's sposed to happen, it will work. But then maybe it's not sposed to happen here. Which sucks, because I really, really wanted to have a baby here. I wanted to be close to my family so my mom could be there. I wanted to have my best friends come see me in the hospital. I wanted to have what all of my friends have had. And I don't know if I get to. And that sucks. Plus, there's this little thing called health insurance. It's cheap here, and Colorado doesn't have anything like MinnesotaCare. Plus, I'm just so freaking tired of waiting. I have no idea what I want to do, I have no idea what we're sposed to do, and I am having an incredibly difficult time letting go of this and putting it in God's hands, which I know is really what I'm sposed to do. Boo.

We started sponsoring a child today. A little girl from Zambia named Grace. She'll be 4 in April, and she lives in an AIDS-afflicted community. I'm really, really excited we're doing this. I've wanted to for a long time, and since we're not part of a church, we've been struggling to figure out how to tithe. And child sponsorship is the way we've chosen to go. Mom and Dad give me 2 months of it for Christmas.

I bought mine and Katie's tickets for Michael Buble today. It's March 28 in St Paul, and our tickets are our birthday presents this yeat, since our birthdays are in April. I cannot even wait! We have to get our hotel room still, and I have to get out of work.

I'm really tired. I work alot. And that's just 1 job. Then I go to work at the other job. Then I have to see my husband and not be a total witch.

I thought I'd accepted the place we're at in our lives, but I'm kind of struggling. I don't like working 60 hours a week to support us, even if I love my job. I don't like being the only one of my friends who's not a mom. I don't like our little apartment. And I was doing so good at being content! Figures... I think I need some quality Michelle time, Justin time, and Jesus time. The question is, when do I get that.

There's my random thoughts and ventings for the day. Not very interesting, maybe, but I got it off my chest.

Michelle

Happy New Year! (10 days late...)

i can't believe it's already January 10. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep yesterday and it was December. Needless to say, I've been just a teeny bit busy.

We went to Colorado for Christmas. We spent 4 days at Mom and Dad's, relaxing, shopping, and cooking, then celebrating Christmas with Mom, Dad, Katie, and David. We then hit the road and spent a week with Justin's family. We spent most of our trip relaxing at Justin's dad's house, although we did spend Christmas Day with the whole Distel clan. The big news of the trip was twofold; Justin and I both got tattoos, and together with Sarah and Chelsea, we bought Justin's dad a brand new bed, which he very much deserved. (I'll post pictures of our tattoos in a future post.)

We got home on New Year's Eve, unpacked, and back to work I went on New Year's Day. Lighthouse is in staff crisis mode, so overtime has been approved (and practically required for house manager's!), meaning I've been working my tail off every day since! Yesterday was my first glorious day off, which we spent at Grandma and Grandpa G's celebrating Christmas with Mom's side of the family, and it was beautiful! I'm sitting on the couch today doing absolutely nothing (which I think I've deserved), and then it's back to work tomorrow.

Justin's been at home, recovering from bronchitis. He starts school tomorrow, and the job search.

I'll post pictures of Christmas and our tattoos soon.

Michelle

So, I just realized that alot of my entries lately have been kind of down, but that's my mood, so my apologies to anyone who reads this.

I'm getting really tired of checking my facebook everyday and someone else has a new picture of their latest ultrasound or baby bump or a pregnancy announcement. The more there are, the harder it is for me to happy for anyone. It might seem a little immature or selfish, but I can't help it. It's hard to deal with a loss in the middle of a baby boom. I don't have any issues with my friends who have kids, and it's none of my close friends that are expecting right now. I just sort of had a mini breakdown today, which is ok, because I have to deal with this loss, and it's ok to be sad. It's just so unfair! And we're no closer to having any answers, which is so frustrating. And we have no idea what we want to do now. We're moving in 1 year, and I don't really want to move with a newborn, and I don't want to be uber pregnant when we move. Whatever happens will be fine, but it's just hard, because we don't know what we want to do. This holiday season is kind of hard for me; I didn't get to be with my family on Thanksgiving, although I did get to see Mom and Dad and David the weekend after. I don't get to be with my family on Christmas, because we're going to Colorado. We're celebrating with them before we leave, but it just won't be the same. Plus, we should be celebrating Bennett's 2nd Christmas, and it would be so much fun this year. And, we should be so excited because of our second being on the way. But I don't have either. And I'm just starting have a lot of doubts about this; even though my doctor said most women who have multiple miscarriages go on to have healthy and successful pregnancies. I can't help but worry.

So that's my depressing entry for the day. Hopefully I'll get out of this slump soon.

Michelle

P.S. I did get some really great encouragement yesterday and today from a co-worker/supervisor, who told me that I'm one of her favorites, that I'm going to make a great mommy, that I'm a beautiful person, and that if I have any friends just like me, they should work for Lighthouse, because she thinks I'm one of the best house managers. I thrive on words of encouragement, so that really meant alot to me!

A Weary, but Thankful Heart

A quick update:
I called MeritCare on Monday to get the results of my lab work and to schedule my X ray (which is technically called a hysterosalpingogram). Turns out, the lab techs didn't read the lab orders thoroughly that day and only did a pregnancy test, but none of the blood work that I didn't realize I was supposed to have. The pregnancy test obviously came back negative, and I had to go in this morning to have 7(!) vials of blood drawn, which will be sent to Mayo Clinic, and the results should be in next week sometime. I know one of the tests was to check my thyroid, but I don't remember what Dr Majkrzak (pronouced "Myshack"... who could guess that!) said the rest were checking. As for the X ray, I won't be able to get it done until next month sometime, because my doctor is off to China this week and I didn't call to schedule it in time! So now we wait even longer. According to Dr Majkrzak, what he's looking for in the X ray is a weird little flap in my uterus that, if an embryo were to attach to it, the embryo could not survive. So if that's what I have, the flap can be removed and should, in theory, solve the problem. I'm hoping it's a thyroid or hormonal thing that can be solved with a pill, rather than with a surgery! However, if neither the lab work or the X ray show a problem, then we try genetic testing on both Justin and myself. I'm not sure what we'll do with that, because I'm fairly certain our insurance won't cover that, and it's expensive, and something we really can't afford, so basically, we'll be back at square one. So pray that these blood tests and/or the X ray figure out what's going on!

Despite what we've been going through in the past few weeks (well, the past 20 months, really), I've been reflecting lately and have realized just how much I have to be truly thankful for, and with Thanksgiving tomorrow, it's time to think about these things. I have been blessed with the most incredible husband, who has truly been my rock as we've dealt with our losses. He has held my hand through it all, has let me cry when I've needed to, and has made me laugh at times when I didn't think I could. Being unable to keep your unborn children alive can be incredibly detrimental to a woman's self esteem; after all, we were built to bear children. It's just one more issue to deal with, but Justin has done nothing but encourage me and build me up. I've also been blessed with a wonderful family. Words cannot express how amazing they are and how much they mean to me. My mom has so many roles in my life; she is my best friend, my mentor, my confidante, and of course, my mother. I consider it the highest compliment to be compared to her. My dad is the most generous, compassionate, and genuine person I know. He is a man of few words, which I so appreciate in a world of gabbers. You know that words of praise from him are real and heartfelt, and they mean so much more than the mindless, meaningless compliments people spew out. My little sister is my best friend. She gets me like no one else does, because she thinks like me. We've grown so close over the past couple of years, and I couldn't be more proud of her. My Davey is the heart of my world. He is ultimately the reason why I've chosen the career path that I have. He is a ray of sunshine, and I'm so grateful that my parents made the decision to open our home to him. Since I moved out, the part of home I've missed the most is my daily dose of Dave. These 4 fantasitic people, combined with our eccentric dog and the inexplicable magic of being in my childhood home, is a refreshing retreat that I need on a regular basis to keep my sanity. And I get to go home this weekend! I have so much more to be thankful for: friends who care, encourage, and support me, a job that not only pays the bills, but brings me incredible satisfaction every day, good food in the cupboards, a nice car to drive, clean clothes to wear, and a roof over my head. And even though I don't have my babies with me, I'm grateful for the short few days I had them with me, even if I didn't get to hold them in my arms or see them. It's sort of like the "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" mentality. Yes, it hurts to lose them, but I now that I know them, I couldn't imagine never having them, even for the few days each that I did.

I hope this holiday season is filled with family, friends, good food, and lots of love for all of you! Thank you for praying for us and for just being the fabulous people you are! I love you all!

Michelle

Today

Today is Bennett's birthday. Sort of. I guess I don't really know what to call it. The due date of our first baby was November 5, 2008. So it's a sad day for us. Last year we went to the cities for a couple days, today I worked all day and we went out to lunch together.

It's so strange to think that we should have a 1-year-old running around. We should have had a big party last weekend with family and friends coming to celebrate. But we don't. We have 2 babies in heaven, and no idea why. But hopefully we'll have answers soon. My appointment is tomorrow, so hopefully in the next week we'll have some idea what's going on.

I wanted to share a song by Jar's of Clay that really speaks to our experiences. It's called The Valley Song.

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
on a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy
comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face
but I fear You aren't listening
because there are no words
just the stillness
and the hunger
for a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
with our eyes tightly shut
face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut
though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia